true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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