I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
