Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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