Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
