in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
