OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
