I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
