i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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