The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
