she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
