yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
