he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
