A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
