The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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