The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
