I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sext me about skeletons
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
