just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
farters have to be the big spoon...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
