Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
