its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
