Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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