I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
