He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did I show you my penis last night?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
