I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
