i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
