which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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