I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
