I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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