Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
