I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you had me at cake vodka
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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