the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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