is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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