they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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