Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
