Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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