no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
