seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
