I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
