I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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