i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
