if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
