I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
