when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
