he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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