the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
