you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she pinky promised me she was 18
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize