Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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