Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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