Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
