Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
