I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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